Summary: What happens when we stop trying to make a child try harder and start creating the conditions that help them want to try?
Part 2 of 2: The Lost Motivation
Amara hastily completed the 23-step enrollment form with little hope of anything other than being waitlisted for Asher’s 5th-grade year at the new school. Ten days later, the acceptance letter came. She was shocked. How had it been so easy to get in?
While the new school held promise, Amara and Jonah still enrolled Asher in a 6-month executive function brain-training program to support his reading. Not that Asher couldn’t read; it was simply difficult, which eroded his confidence in comprehension of the story or what the math question was asking. The training was an intense hour and a half, three days a week, but Amara thought she saw progress.
One day in September, a thick envelope arrived in the mail: Congratulations! Asher has qualified for the Gifted and Talented program based on his Fall benchmark testing.
All semester long, Amara and Jonah watched and waited, fearful the added work would overwhelm Asher, but it was just the opposite: Asher no longer dreaded homework. He walked right in the door, grabbed a snack, got to work, and finished in less than fifteen minutes on most days. He no longer tearfully dreaded school each morning; he actually looked forward to classes where he held leadership roles and responsibilities. When the school “Home Visit Campaign” came around, Asher proudly welcomed his teachers to the very dining table where he did homework with fresh-baked cookies, a showcase of his 3D prints, and funny classroom stories.
Every report card season, the evidence was clear: A’s and B’s in all classes! But the real test would be the state standardized testing.
On results day, Amara held her breath, hoping his English result would at least be better than “fails to meet”. Amara read the graph with astonishment: “Mastery.” He’d performed well in Math, Science, and English, but English outperformed the others?! How on earth was that possible?
The still-small voice whispered, "I make all things good."
Later that evening Asher reflected: “Hey Mom, what if God was answering our prayers this whole time, it just took a while for this new school to open?”
Tears filled Amara’s eyes as she realized the goodness of God.
What Actually Changed?
Asher hadn’t suddenly become smarter. He hadn’t been given a new personality. And no one had found a magical way to make him try harder.
Three missing elements were now supported: Competence. Autonomy. Relatedness.
Six months of brain training created real opportunities for skill development. Asher was given simple tasks that improved his auditory processing and working memory. Practical steps, skill building, and incremental progress in the training setting translated into easier homework and improved test scores. That built confidence and competence grew.
Encouragement tells a child you believe they can improve. Skill-building and visible progress give them reasons to believe it themselves.
Asher was given more autonomy at home in when, where, and how he completed his homework. At school, teachers allowed room for creative application and approaches to problem solving and projects. His teachers also recognized his strengths and called on him to lead small groups with his peers. Both allowed Asher autonomy in his schoolwork.
Structure tells a child what needs to be accomplished. Autonomy gives them a voice in how they accomplish it.
Asher’s brain-training team took interest in his 3D printing hobby and used it to celebrate progress. For each 200-point milestone he achieved, he collected a gift card to help support his savings for a new 3D printer. At school, his teachers recognized his love for storytelling, slide-making, and public speaking and channeled that energy by having him create presentations for the class. His teachers also took an interest in his 3D printing hobby, even showing up for Farmers’ Market events and asking him to make supplies for the classroom. Asher felt like his world mattered to them, which strengthened relatedness.
When we take an interest in what matters to a child, we show them that they matter to us.
How Can You Apply This If Your Child’s Motivation Wanes?
Notice It: Look Beyond the Behavior
When children refuse homework or declare that they’re terrible at everything, consider what might be happening underneath. A child who argues about every assignment may feel powerless. A child who refuses to attempt a math problem may be afraid of failing. A child who says their teacher hates them may be struggling to feel accepted. And a child who constantly compares themselves with classmates may be losing sight of their own progress. These are clues for us to investigate, not diagnoses to assign or behaviors to excuse. Get curious about what’s needed.
Shift from asking, “How do I get my child to try harder?” to asking, “What’s making it difficult for my child to try?”
A missing skill? Discouragement? Overwhelm? Lack of relational connection?
Name It: Identify What’s Missing
Remember the three psychological needs that help fuel motivation:
Competence: Does my child have the skills and support to experience progress?
Autonomy: Does my child have meaningful opportunities to make decisions?
Relatedness: Does my child feel known, accepted, and supported?
These questions give us a helpful starting point. When children struggle, identifying which of these needs may be under strain can help us respond more effectively.
Nurture It: Build Motivation Through Everyday Opportunities
Once we name the need, let’s pick a place to start. Try one adjustment for a few weeks and pay attention to what happens. If you see improvement, keep building on it. If not, consider what other support or changes might be needed.
Nurture Autonomy: Give Ownership Without Giving Up Expectations
Children need appropriate opportunities to make decisions, solve problems, and take responsibility. So, instead of repeatedly saying, “Go do your homework,” try asking: “What’s your plan for getting your homework finished before dinner?” Those choices don’t change the expectation that homework gets completed; they simply give the child some ownership over how they accomplish it, which may help reduce resistance.
Nurture Competence: Make Progress Possible
Think about the child staring at twenty math problems, already convinced they’ll get them wrong. Instead, begin with one problem. Work through it together. Ask them to explain the next step. Then give them an opportunity to try independently. For the child struggling with reading comprehension, rather than expecting them to read an entire passage and answer every question at once, start with a smaller section. Let them summarize what they understood before moving forward. We aren’t eliminating the task; we are simply making progress visible to help encourage their confidence to continue. Help them see the connection between effective strategies, practice, support, and improvement. (Note: Persistent academic difficulties may require additional instruction, assessment, or accommodations)
Nurture Competence: Help Children Escape the Comparison Trap
One of the biggest challenges during middle and late childhood is that children begin measuring their abilities against everyone around them: “She’s smarter than me.” “He’s better at basketball.” “Everyone finished before I did.”
It’s tempting to respond with reassurance. “That’s not true! You’re just as smart as they are!” But that doesn’t necessarily change the measuring stick. The child is still trying to determine their worth by how they compare with someone else. Instead, help them recognize their own growth.
“It’s frustrating when math takes you longer than your classmates. But let’s look at what you can do now that you couldn’t do a month ago.”
“I know you’re disappointed to not make the team. You worked hard for this. What would you like to improve before next season?”
“You and your sister have different strengths. You don’t have to be good at the same things. What matters is that you keep developing the abilities God has given you.”
Shift the measuring stick from someone else’s accomplishments to your child’s own growth. That doesn’t mean pretending everyone has equal abilities or shielding children from competition. They need to learn that sometimes other people will perform better, receive recognition, or achieve something they wanted. But someone else’s success doesn’t diminish their worth.
Nurture Competence: Give them opportunities to contribute
Industry isn’t limited to grades, sports, or academic accomplishments. Children also develop competence by becoming useful, responsible contributors. The child who struggles in the classroom may discover they’re excellent at building things, organizing a project, caring for animals, cooking, or helping younger children. Give them meaningful responsibilities: let them help plan a family outing, prepare dinner, assemble furniture, organize supplies, or solve an everyday problem. Not every task needs a reward or a grade. Sometimes the satisfaction comes from realizing: I did that. I figured it out. Someone needed my help, and I contributed.
Nurture Relatedness: Strengthen Connection Before Correction
Imagine coming home after a difficult day at work, only to have someone immediately point out everything you still have to do this afternoon. Now imagine coming home to someone who notices you’re discouraged and asks what happened. One response feels defeating. The other feels like someone cares enough to help us through it. And when relationships at school are part of the struggle, work with teachers to understand what’s happening and identify ways to strengthen support.
Research supports an important principle worth noting. It’s not about perfect execution. Supportive parenting and teaching practices are associated with greater engagement, motivation, and well-being. Just being present, attentive, and responsive goes a long way in helping a child feel cared for, seen, and supported in their efforts.
The Bigger Picture
Asher’s story wasn’t simply about a child who needed to try harder. He needed adults who were willing to look beyond his grades, understand his struggles, and consider whether his learning environment was helping him develop.
But it’s also a reminder that God is faithful. Our prayers may not be answered the way we hoped, but He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. We serve a big God who does big things.
Not every family can change schools, and not every challenge requires an environmental change. Sometimes the next step is a conversation with a teacher. Sometimes it’s an academic evaluation, additional support, a different learning strategy, or more opportunities to experience success outside the classroom. And sometimes we need to help our children persevere through challenges that cannot, or should not, be removed.
In all situations, our children need to know their ideas matter, their skills can grow, people care about them, and difficulties don’t define them. We’re raising children who believe they can learn, grow, contribute, and face the challenges life brings and that God is faithful in every season!
Do you know someone who would be encouraged by this story and approach? Be sure to sure it with them!
Dedication
This article is dedicated to the real-life heroes in my own son’s story.
To Dr. Gina Cruz and Mrs. Kathy deLeon at Brain Bridge Learning. You are our heroes! Thank you for seeing Gavin’s potential when our world felt dark, and pointing us to SST
To Gavin’s amazing teachers, Mrs. Schwab, Amaya, and Jimenez. Thank you for truly caring about the growth of every child in your classrooms. The days are wild, but the moments are meaningful!
To Principal Acevez, thank you for creating the culture that supports the whole child and for cheering Gavin on in his 3D Printing Farmer’s Markets.
To Assistant Principal Yueksal, thank you for seeing Gavin’s potential and encouraging him to believe in his academic success, with measured progress along the way!
