This is really helpful thank you for writing it. Would you say this works for all ages? I have, in August next month, a six- and three-year-old. Say at this age, if they don't do a task like cleaning up their toys, they should get a consequence, like taking a coin out of their reward jar? I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. It's definitely a tricky balance.
I love this question! Thank you for asking (and forgive the lengthy response, but I hope the specificity helps)
It is a tricky balance, and parental discernment governed by the Holy Spirit is key. But I’ll say this:
The concept of “Say it once. Say it clearly. Confirm their capable. Confirm they understand. Give the warning. Give the consequence,” transcends ages from 1 to 99.
Where parental discernment becomes key is the age-appropriateness of the task. Asking a 3 year old to pick up their toys is spot on. But asking the 3 year old to clean their entire room — toys, books, laundry, making their bed — can be overwhelming. If they’re overwhelmed, “parental scaffolding” (coming alongside them to teach them the first few times how to do it) becomes key. So you can tell the 3 year old “okay, let’s start with the toys. And let’s make it a game! How fast can you get the toys into the proper bins?”
Consequences come when you find yourself constantly on repeat: pick up your toys. Pick up your toys. Toys. Toys now. The real world won’t usually give so many warnings. That’s a life skill better learned young.
And natural consequences are far better than logical ones because they teach how the world works, while minimizing resentment. For instance, they leave toys in the yard and it rains…now the toys are rusted and ruined = Natural consequence. Versus they leave toys in the yard and you pick them up before mowing, and store them away in the attic until they earn them back = logical consequence. Both are fair, especially depending on how many warnings you’ve given.
When misbehavior becomes more risky, especially to their or other’s safety, it’s straight to a logical consequence, such as “now you must hold my hand in parking lots until your feet learn safety” (My son hated it. When he turned 5 he offered a compromise, asking to hold my elbow instead of my hand.)
For the six year old, the instructions just get more complex. Instead of 1 step at a time, give them 2 or 3. If they struggle with 3, go back to 2. You’re building brain muscle.
Also, at 6+ you can invite them to help brainstorm the consequence: “what do you think would help you learn for next time.” (But you still reserve the right to choose the best learning experience from their list of proposed disciplinary measures)
Which leads to my last part: consequences need to be clear up front, directly related to the task, and must be explained in a debrief to actually work. That’s the core difference between discipline (teaching) and punishing (inflicting pain).
So, if you take a coin out of the jar, give the warning first and explain why: “Toys now or you’ll loose a coin.” And then debrief: “because you didn’t clean up, now I have to which takes up time from me doing other household chores. In life, when we don’t do our own work, we have to pay other people to do it. So I’m taking a coin.”
😂I’d offer a scriptural example, but it would basically be the entire Old Testament: Command. Instruction. Warning. Natural consequence. Logical consequence.
Thank goodness for Jesus as we pursue righteousness in Him!
This is such wise instruction for parents... especially when one child has a more difficult time initiating requests than the others. This helps us realize what's actually going on instead of labeling it as laziness or defiance. And I love the addition of building in a consequence for not doing it after the first request. As an adult who missed out on this kind of parenting, I can only imagine the difference when you've had these kinds of skill sets baked in from childhood.
This is really helpful thank you for writing it. Would you say this works for all ages? I have, in August next month, a six- and three-year-old. Say at this age, if they don't do a task like cleaning up their toys, they should get a consequence, like taking a coin out of their reward jar? I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. It's definitely a tricky balance.
I love this question! Thank you for asking (and forgive the lengthy response, but I hope the specificity helps)
It is a tricky balance, and parental discernment governed by the Holy Spirit is key. But I’ll say this:
The concept of “Say it once. Say it clearly. Confirm their capable. Confirm they understand. Give the warning. Give the consequence,” transcends ages from 1 to 99.
Where parental discernment becomes key is the age-appropriateness of the task. Asking a 3 year old to pick up their toys is spot on. But asking the 3 year old to clean their entire room — toys, books, laundry, making their bed — can be overwhelming. If they’re overwhelmed, “parental scaffolding” (coming alongside them to teach them the first few times how to do it) becomes key. So you can tell the 3 year old “okay, let’s start with the toys. And let’s make it a game! How fast can you get the toys into the proper bins?”
Consequences come when you find yourself constantly on repeat: pick up your toys. Pick up your toys. Toys. Toys now. The real world won’t usually give so many warnings. That’s a life skill better learned young.
And natural consequences are far better than logical ones because they teach how the world works, while minimizing resentment. For instance, they leave toys in the yard and it rains…now the toys are rusted and ruined = Natural consequence. Versus they leave toys in the yard and you pick them up before mowing, and store them away in the attic until they earn them back = logical consequence. Both are fair, especially depending on how many warnings you’ve given.
When misbehavior becomes more risky, especially to their or other’s safety, it’s straight to a logical consequence, such as “now you must hold my hand in parking lots until your feet learn safety” (My son hated it. When he turned 5 he offered a compromise, asking to hold my elbow instead of my hand.)
For the six year old, the instructions just get more complex. Instead of 1 step at a time, give them 2 or 3. If they struggle with 3, go back to 2. You’re building brain muscle.
Also, at 6+ you can invite them to help brainstorm the consequence: “what do you think would help you learn for next time.” (But you still reserve the right to choose the best learning experience from their list of proposed disciplinary measures)
Which leads to my last part: consequences need to be clear up front, directly related to the task, and must be explained in a debrief to actually work. That’s the core difference between discipline (teaching) and punishing (inflicting pain).
So, if you take a coin out of the jar, give the warning first and explain why: “Toys now or you’ll loose a coin.” And then debrief: “because you didn’t clean up, now I have to which takes up time from me doing other household chores. In life, when we don’t do our own work, we have to pay other people to do it. So I’m taking a coin.”
😂I’d offer a scriptural example, but it would basically be the entire Old Testament: Command. Instruction. Warning. Natural consequence. Logical consequence.
Thank goodness for Jesus as we pursue righteousness in Him!
One piece of encouragement:
Sow the seeds young. I started this when my son was 2. He’s now eleven and one of the most thoughtful, helpful, responsible children I know.
His younger step-siblings have even come to admire it, so much so that he rubs off on them, inspiring them to follow the same model.
Thank you for your answer! Makes a lot of sense. Super helpful!
This is such wise instruction for parents... especially when one child has a more difficult time initiating requests than the others. This helps us realize what's actually going on instead of labeling it as laziness or defiance. And I love the addition of building in a consequence for not doing it after the first request. As an adult who missed out on this kind of parenting, I can only imagine the difference when you've had these kinds of skill sets baked in from childhood.