Your toddler lets out an ear-piercing cry from the next room as you rush in to find the five-year-old standing over her, shouting about stolen toys while justifying having shoved her. “What were you thinking?!”
You open the mudroom, expecting to find your eight-year-old cleaning the dog’s muddy paws, only to find three inches of standing water, an empty bottle of soap floating around, and the faucet still running. “What were you thinking?!”
You finish cooking dinner when your ten-year-old comes to tell you he needs help finishing a science fair project he just started 30 minutes ago, and it’s due tomorrow: “What were you thinking?!”
It’s baffling. Even infuriating. At best, we stand there demanding answers, and at worst we level a judgment: “You weren’t thinking. That’s the problem.”
The Shame of What’s Wrong With Me
“What were you thinking?” is the right sentiment. But asked this way, it usually leads to little more than a panicked deer-in-the-headlights look, a rush of shame, and zero path forward.
What we really mean is something closer to three separate questions: What were you thinking before you did that? Did it work out the way you hoped? Would you make the same choice again?
You’d be surprised how old a child is before they can reflect on all three at once.
And there’s another problem: when we only ask children to examine their thinking after something has gone wrong, reflection itself starts to feel threatening and shameful. Instead of learning to explore their thinking as a pathway to growth, they learn to associate it with getting in trouble.
Thinking About Thinking
The term metacognition was described in the 1970’s by psychologist John Flavell as “thinking about our own thinking.” Essentially, the ability to ask questions like: What happened? Why did I do that? What could I try differently?
A decade later, psychologist Barry Zimmerman described more distinct phases of self-regulated learning, which teachers began using in the classroom to help children develop this skill of metacognition:
Forethought phase: planning, goal-setting, and strategic thinking before you act
Performance phase: self-monitoring and self-control while you’re doing the thing
Self-reflection phase: self-evaluation after the fact, feeding back into the next cycle’s forethought
Put simply, this means a child can ask themselves questions before, during, and after a behavior.
Before: How will this go? What do I need to plan for?
During: How is this going? What do I need to adjust?
After: How did that go? What would I do differently next time?
And metacognition isn’t just a “nice-to-have” higher-order thinking skill. It’s a learning accelerator. Across 355 studies, students who were taught the process of metacognition made, on average, the equivalent of eight additional months of academic progress over the course of a single year. Talk about a return on investment!
The Everyday Challenge
As parents (and teachers), the temptation is to swoop in, correct the behavior, and move on: Stop hitting. Don’t talk back. Quit lolly-gagging.
But when we spend an extra 90 seconds asking questions, we aren’t just correcting behavior. We are building internal thought processes that will guide the behavior better next time.
We must realize, though, what a child is cognitively capable of at each age:
A toddler (2-3 years) is becoming aware of their actions, but not their affect on others yet. They can simply name a basic internal state, with help (e.g., I’m mad. I want.)
A pre-schooler (3-6 years) is learning the link between behavior/rewards/consequences and can explain what they are doing, but only after the emotional turmoil has passed.
An older child (6-12 years) is learning to reflect on “What am I doing? Is this working?”, but needs help identifying strategies to overcome the challenge in the moment.
Teens (13+ years) are learning to monitor their performance, outcomes, errors and needs for new strategies, and the adult’s role shifts to sounding-board rather than instruction
Scripture, The Cave at Horeb & God’s Demonstration of Metacognition
1 Kings 19 offers a great example of metacognition, as God illustrates a pattern for us to use as parents to help kids examine their own thinking.
Elijah has run from Jezebel and, after recovering from physical exhaustion under a broom tree, the LORD turns to the deeper issue: the beliefs driving Elijah’s behavior.
“What are you doing here, Elijah?”
Our omniscient God isn’t on a fact-finding mission. He’s inviting Elijah to examine his own thinking. And pattern is fascinating:
God asks.
Elijah answers.
God comes near in a still, small voice.
God asks again.
Elijah gives the same answer.
God gives him a new direction.
As parents, are we this patient? When our child gives the same answer twice, do we maintain the still, small voice, or do we become the wind, earthquake, and fire with our tone, words, and punishment? Do we leave them in the cave/time-out until they “get it,” or help them move forward with truth and a new path?
Because notice that the question alone didn’t change Elijah’s thinking. Neither did God’s presence. Even hearing truth wasn’t the end of the process. God gave Elijah something to do with that truth.
That matters to us as parents because we must realize that being exposed to truth does not mean our children have automatically learned to think and behave through that truth. They need opportunities to practice it.
God used questions to reveal thinking, presence to make correction safe, truth to offer a new perspective, and action to create a new path forward. That’s metacognition for the sake of motivating behavior change.
Practical Parenting for Today
· Notice It ·
When your child seems careless, distracted, or blindsided by their own behavior, notice which part of the thinking process is missing: before-thinking, during-thinking, or after-thinking.
· Name It ·
Instead of “What were you thinking?!” delivered with all the force of the wind, earthquake, and fire, try: “Let’s talk about your thinking so we can figure out what worked and what we’d do differently next time.” This shifts reflection away from shame and toward learning.
· Nurture It ·
Help them identify what they thought before, during, and after the choice and then let them practice again. Role-play the situation, give them another opportunity, or model your own metacognition aloud:
“We’re going to the store before the park. I need the cooler so the food doesn’t melt, and I should grab the umbrella for shade.”
And when you forget something, model the reflection too: “I forgot the umbrella. Next time, I’m going to leave it in the car so I don’t forget it.”
Also practice this during positive moments when their thinking is sound, as this lowers the threat they might feel when this approach is only used in moments of trouble.
Want the full parent-child psychology framework? The book is available on Amazon: Notice It · Name It · Nurture It
Metacognition is a skill. It takes time to build, but it gives children something far more useful than knowing they made a bad choice: it teaches them how to think toward a better one.
Wow Bethany! There are so many amazing takeaways here!
First, "when we only ask children to examine their thinking after something has gone wrong, reflection itself starts to feel threatening and shameful. Instead of learning to explore their thinking as a pathway to growth, they learn to associate it with getting in trouble." So insightful. And so worth taking note of.
Next, the studies demonstrating that metacognition accelerates learning equivalent to eight months' of academic progress over a single year! That's incredible.
And finally, what a wonderful truth you bring forward from the 1 Kings 19 example: "God used questions to reveal thinking, presence to make correction safe, truth to offer a new perspective, and action to create a new path forward. That’s metacognition for the sake of motivating behavior change."